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January 27, 2009
AAAAARGH! FAT CHICKENS! FAAAAT CHIIIICKENS!
Get them away from me! Fat Chickens! I've got enough freakin' problems with my weight without fat chickens making my life impossible. Those feathery, blubbery things, with their clucking and their scratching, look at at me with their creepy yellow eyes, just waiting, WAITING, to infect me with their fat virus.
It's not our fault, you see, that we're overweight as a nation. Nothing to do with sitting on our poultry arses all day, eating Hob Nobs, Doritos and pizzas for tea. Nothing to do with driving everywhere, heaven forbid we should ever walk further than a hundred yards at a time. No, it's the fault of fat chickens and their sneezy little ways. And guess what? If fat chickens are infectious, that means fat people are ALSO infectious. Apparently, for two to three months only, but that's enough, isn't it? I'm considering buying a mask to keep out the fat chicken virus, except I looked in the mirror this morning and I'm not entirely sure I haven't already caught the disease. I'm definitely on the 'comfortably rounded side'. I thought about it all morning, instead of walking to the post office, instead of going to the gym- I thought about it so hard I had to have four custard creams to stave off a headache. Then I worried that maybe the custard creams were going to react badly with the fat chicken virus, so I had a chocolate milk as well, because that's got calcium in it and is good for you. And has no chicken in it. Do custard creams have chicken in them? I'm not sure, but I definitely feel a bit iffy now and who knows? A fat chicken might have sneezed on the open packet of biscuits. The chocolate milk was sealed, so I know I'm ok... No fat chicken virus there.
Posted by scumkitten at January 27, 2009 4:26 PM
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